Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
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thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
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Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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