i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
