One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
