Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
