cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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