She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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