my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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