Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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