youre lurking in front of me
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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