It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
