I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
