i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
