mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
