so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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