Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
