Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
