Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
