New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
