new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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