i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
