maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
