i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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