Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I FOUND THE LEGS
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
