One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I did not marry a roomba.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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