I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
two words: eviction party
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
