So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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