totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
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She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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