Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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