I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
