Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
