This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
