: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
