If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
