do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
