Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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