just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
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he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
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I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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