my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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