I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
