why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
