so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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