I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
