I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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