please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
