I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Even my vagina gasped.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
