I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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