My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he shaved USA in his pubs
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
