Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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