It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
