i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
