I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
