Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
