my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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