Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have already put on my inside pants.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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