Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
