I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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