I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
